Christmas Card for Carl (2011)

Sometimes, you find the perfect gift and card for someone. For my friend Carl, the gift was this Spaceballs T-shirt. This was the card:

Love you, man!

Darth Vader Thanksgiving Card

I’ve said this many times before, but I think Thanksgiving gets the shaft as far as holidays go. Christmas stuff comes out in the store sometimes even before Halloween, and poor Turkey Day is forgotten. Without having to worry about what to buy for whom and trying to minimize the amount of time I spend shopping, Thanksgiving reminds me what is most important in my life: my family. And every Thanksgiving I’ve spent with my family was been full of laughter. My awesome cousin Katie has started her own tradition of having a game night the Saturday after Turkey Day. We usually play Apples to Apples, Cranium, and this write the first line to a book game called Liebrary (trust me, we make it hilarious). Each year has a theme, and thanks to something I bought Katie for her Birthday, this year’s theme is 1990 (details to follow). In addition to starting this great holiday tradition, Katie also sent me this card (that played Darth Vader breathing, lightsaber noises, and the Imperial March when I opened it). Thanks to Katie and the rest of my family for always making me laugh, and playing into instead of ignoring my love of the Holy Trilogy. Looking forward to Thursday!

Scout Trooper Card (with video from Skating for Hope)

One of the first groups I invited to Skating for Hope was the Alderaan Base, a.k.a. 501^st New England. They came, and the response was wonderful. Darth Vader came out of the locker room flanked by a storm trooper and scout trooper and in about 3 seconds all the kids surrounded them. The scout trooper was an even bigger hit when he laced ‘em up and took a few laps with the kids. He also took some spills, but kept on going. Check it out here. Talk about being a REAL trooper…

Thank you to all the Star Wars troops that came out to Skating for Hope!

Mike Birbiglia Sleepwalk with Me Signed Book and My Girlfriend's Boyfriend Ticket (4/2/11)

Last April, I got to chat for a second time with someone that I consider to be one of my heroes. Raised in nearby Shrewsbury, MA, Mike Birbiglia is one of my favorite comedians and has dealt with life challenges that are similar to mine. Mike was raised Catholic and also “served time” as an altar boy (and like Mike, my answer is, “No, I wasn’t…” Mike also went to Saint John’s, but like his older brother (who was in my class), he didn’t complete 4 years there. “Birbigs” has had his share of medical issues, too. While I have been dealing with Crohn’s most of my life, Mike has been dealing with a sleepwalking disorder. Additionally, both of us are cancer survivors. I have used humor to deal with my issues, and so has Mike…he’s just a lot funnier than me. I bet I could kick his ass in hockey, though. When I knew Skating for Hope was officially booked, I thought of what my “dream schedule” would be. Mike was on there, so I emailed him to see if he was interested in participating. Although I never heard back from him, I hope he knows it’s an open invite (no, I’m not going to make a YouTube video). Thanks for all the laughs, Mike.

To read more about Mike and watch his “Wiffle Ball Tony” routine that I love, you can check out the blog I wrote on the day I went to see his show in April.

PS – His book Sleepwalk with Me is now available in paperback here.

My Little Buttercup Lyrics and Liz and Matt's Wedding Program (5/16/09)

It started in the summer of 1995. My older brother Jon was about to get married, and my brother Tom, cousin Matt, and I thought it would be perfect to sing this song from Three Amigos. Back then, Matt and I had to fast forward the VHS tape of the movie to the song, and manually write down the lyrics. It was a surprise to most people at the reception, and my brother Jon knew exactly what part of the song was for him.

Even though Matt wasn’t as surprised as Jon, my brother Tom and I knew we had to sing it again. A big difference from when we sang for my brother was I just looked the lyrics up online, cut and pasted, and printed them. We also took a video of my brother Tom and I doing our best Three Amigos performance. Of course, not as good as the original (we didn’t have time to get down the dance moves), but I think we did a pretty good job...

Special Ed Student's Animal Survey (2003)

Many times when I was teaching math to special ed students, I would have them do a survey project. It was easy for them to pick out something they were interested in, come up with the questions, and show their results using different kinds of graphs.

As I was reading this one, I thought the answers seemed strange. But after years working in special ed, I had come accustomed to odd answers. Then, when I came to the response to question #8, I just lost it. I laughed so hard; I knew this one was a keeper.

Kids these days.

Enjoy.

Two Funny Postcards (Whoop-Dee Fucking Do! and When Monkeys Fly Out of My Butt)

I got both of these a while back at one of my favorite stores, Newbury Comics. I think the “monkeys fly out of my butt one” reminded me of the reaction I was getting from women at the time. They make me laugh, and I hope they make you laugh too.

Letter from Patrick (5/19/94)

So, back in the early 90s, we didn’t have the internet to stay in touch with our college classmates during the summer. We made the occasional expensive long distance phone call, but mostly we wrote letters. I kept just about all of them (like this one from my friend Tim), and still get a kick out of reading them 17 years later. This one is from my best bud Patrick who still wrote to me after dealing directly with my drinking problem for our entire sophomore year.

I love how he 1) started off the letter by mockingly rooting for a NY team 2) referred to a future Bruins-Sharks Stanley Cup match up 3) called the Maple Leafs the “maple queefs” 4) refers to females as “biatches” 5) wrote “Go Vancouver!” on the envelope

Thanks for hanging in there Patrick - you rocked then and you’re rockin’ now!

Funny Cancer Card

Fuck cancer. There, I said it. I have a few other choice words and phrases, but I think that one gets the real point across.

I got this card because one of my best bud’s family friends is currently struggling with cancer.

I don’t know how much the words I wrote inside will help, but I hope the card will make at least one day brighter for him.

Luckily, I have been practicing sending positive thoughts to the Bruins the last couple of months. Time to refocus, and send them along with this card…

Westboro Players' Club Sweeney Todd Program (2009)

Sometimes things just pop into my head and I say them without thinking about how upset the person I’m talking to might end up. Two years ago was one of those times.

I went with my friends Glen and Krissy to the Westboro Players’ Club production of Sweeney Todd at the middle school in Westboro. As we were walking in, I thought of Glen’s love of all things ice cream, especially the sundae variety. I turned to him and asked, “I told you they’re having make your own sundae at intermission, right?” Glen’s face lit up for a bit until I started laughing, and he realized he was a victim of a typical Dave ruse.

Even though Glen was upset at the lack of intermission ice cream, this story has a happy ending. We enjoyed the show, and the next day I felt bad for tricking him so I brought over make your own sundae ingredients to his house. I cant’ help myself sometimes when I make people believe things that aren’t true, but I’ll try to make up for it…

Easter Card from Mom and Dad (2011)

My name is Dave and I was raised Catholic. I was an altar boy for 10 years, got confirmed, was a Eucharistic Minister, and even was a confirmation sponsor for two people. I went to CCD, Saint John’s, and Boston College.

It was at BC that I stopped going to Mass regularly. Even though the church was in the basement of my freshman year dorm, I only went there twice. Once was because my friend Patrick told me that the girl I was “ga ga” over always went, and the other was when I sponsored Patrick for his confirmation (yes, the fact that I was Patrick’s #1 choice for a sponsor tells you about the pool he had to choose from). I would reluctantly go to church when I was home on my college breaks, but rarely felt like I was taking anything away from going.

After college, I became one a “Two-Time-A-Year Catholic” – just Christmas and Easter. Occasionally, you’ll find me at Mass for a funeral, wedding, or first communion, so my total sometimes goes as high as 5 times a year. But, I’m not doing any of it for God or Jesus. I go for the people involved. Christmas and Easter are about family to me, so I have no problem going to Mass with them twice a year. And when someone I care about passes away, gets married, or is completing another sacrament, I’ll go there to support them.

I could write about the abuse cover-ups, women’s non-rights, and anti-gay practices of the Catholic Church, but I’m not a fan of organized religion in general. I think religion divides more than unites, and too many people miss the point of whatever holy book they read. Like I wrote for my Coexist T-shirt last year, just about every major religion contains some version of the Golden Rule (treat others as you would like to be treated). Forget about going to church, praying towards a certain direction at a certain time, following a certain diet, or believing that your faith is the “only way”. As long as you try to follow the Golden Rule, I don’t really care what religion (if any) you identify with, what house of worship you go to, or what book you think is the “holiest”.

I believe in God, but my God cares more about how people treat each other than what religion they are. My God doesn’t want people hating each other and fighting over their religious beliefs. My God blessed me with a loving family who doesn’t love me any less because I only go to Mass twice a year. Instead, they send me a funny card about it. Thanks for everything, Mom and Dad!

Letter from My Friend Andy (2/2/97)

When I tell people about him, the easiest way to describe my friend Andy is by saying whatever I can do, Andy can do better. And I’m not just saying it to be nice or to talk myself down. It’s just true. He is smarter than me, can play guitar better than me, and can play hockey better than me. He also is one of the few people I know who can go toe-to-toe with me as far as life experience/challenges. He is also one of the funniest, kindest people you will ever meet.

When I was in the hospital with cancer, Andy would run up from his crew practice on Lake Quinsigamond and come to visit me. When we were in college (Andy went to Harvard), he saw me at my drunken worst, listened to me when I drunk dialed, and was always supportive. After we graduated college, Andy was often away conducting his own studies in the rain forests of Indonesia. In 1997, emailing from the forest wasn’t an option, so Andy and I kept in touch by writing letters and sending packages.

Here’s the beginning of one Andy sent me in February of 1997, with a funny “Have You Ever Done This?” list Andy made to update me on what had been happening on his end

(Notice #8 in the list - It refers to the first job I got after college…I had obviously told him about it in my last letter). Well, I guess Malaria isn’t that funny… Anyway, enjoy!

Thanks for all the laughs, letters, support, hockey games, and fun times, Andy! Miss you and love you!

Bag from Childhood

I’m not sure when exactly I had this bag, but I’m guessing it was from preschool. I like the fact that you can tell I wanted to write my own initials next to the felt ones. Also, not sure why there is a strawberry on it – never been much of a fan. Anyway, I thought I’d share a few of my favorite stories from that time…

My nephews’ favorite story is the one that involved my first encounter with a man in blue. I had just learned how to ride a bike, and was proudly circling and swerving all over Bowman Street. I was so happy, I wasn’t even paying attention to see if there were any cars coming my way. Then, a police officer driving by noticed my disregard for potential traffic and gave me a stern talking to. I was so upset, that I went inside crying. My wonderful mom was there to comfort me, and she asked me what was wrong. Not wanting to tell her that I had upset a cop, I quickly came up with a fake bee sting story. But as she looked me over for where I was stung, the man in blue appeared at our kitchen door. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to scare me, but just wanted to make sure I was being safe. And I was caught in my lie. Luckily my mom wasn’t too upset about the lie and was just glad I was okay.

Another time my mother was getting ready to take my older sister to school. It was her birthday, and she had made cupcakes for Carolyn and all of her classmates. We were only minutes from leaving, but I decided to personally sample each cupcake by taking frosting off of each one with my finger (I guess that was better than just downing a whole one? Maybe I figured there wouldn’t be enough that way?). My mom came in to catch me in the act and my only response was, “Good cake, Mom!”

Then, of course, there was the time I dared my younger brother to pee on me. My plan was simple: I’d ask him and right when he was about to do it, I’d jump out of the way. It was a huge setup to get him in trouble (for no reason other than my amusement, I think). Amazingly, it went just as I planned. I dared him, he aimed, and I moved. A nanosecond after his stream hit the bureau, I was yelling “Daddy, Tommy peed on his bureau!” I was amused, but our dad was not.

A March Wind Party from The Fun Encyclopedia by E. O. Harbin

While I was at the NU Café in Worcester today, I came across a book called The FUN Encyclopedia and I had to have it (for the bargain price of $2.00). The complete title of this book is The Fun Encyclopedia - An All-Purpose Plan Book for Those Interested in Recreation for Clubs, Schools, Churches, and the Home. It was published in 1940, and some of the out-of-dateness is very amusing.

I skipped ahead to the “Fun with Seasonal Parties” section to see what Mr. Harbin suggested for March fun. His answer: A March Wind Party! I must say, this guy really knows how to throw a party…

My favorite parts:

“Blow yourself to a good time tonight.”

“Blow your own horn, if you want it blown.”

I blow from the West,

I blow from the East,

From the North and South,

On man and on beast.

Blowing contest. (includes blindfolding the players)

Blow-hard. (a game involving boys and girls lining up and lying to each other) “A few minutes of this will probably start your crowd off in good humor.”

I’m sure there will be more to come from The FUN Encyclopedia. Makes me wonder what fun and games are in Harbin’s other book titled Gay Parties for All Occasions.

Tarzan Far Side

I have been a fan of the Far Side for a long time, and this still ranks up there as one of my favorites.

This was on my door in college and did a great job of encapsulating my skills at talking to all the BC women…

Happy Tuesday!

Jim Gaffigan Autograph for Special Ed Students

It was over five years ago when I first saw Jim Gaffigan doing stand-up on Comedy Central. I became an instant fan, and went out to buy his Doing My Time CD not long after. My friends and I went to see him in 2005, and he didn’t disappoint. When the Beyond The Pale DVD came out in 2006, I got it right away and watched it until I had all the bits memorized…most of my friends were happy to recite the jokes along with me. I also played the Beyond The Pale CD in my special ed classroom which was on the grounds of Westboro State Hospital, and the students loved it. I went to see Jim do stand-up again that same year, and this time I was lucky enough to meet him after (I’m wearing this t-shirt, by the way).

I had him sign my CDs and DVD, and printed out something for him to sign for my students. I told him he could write something funny, but added that they all had severe behavioral and emotional issues. This is what he came up with:

All of the students thought it was a riot, and were happy when I hung this up on my classroom wall. Jim Gaffigan certainly has given me and many people I know many laughs over the years. Thanks, Jim!

Here are some Jim Gaffigan clips for your enjoyment:

Jokes.com
Jim Gaffigan - Pregnant
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jim Gaffigan Hot Pocket Video Jim Gaffigan Bacon Video All Jim Gaffigan Videos

Jokes.com
Jim Gaffigan - People Who Don't Drink
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jim Gaffigan Hot Pocket Video Jim Gaffigan Bacon Video All Jim Gaffigan Videos

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey Card

Like my Hockey in Heaven and Calvin and Hobbes comics, this hung on my door in college. I don’t remember who got this for me, although my top two guesses would be my cousin Katie or my friend Matt.

Saturday Night Live, or SNL as we called it, was a weekly ritual with my group of high school friends. We usually watched my friend Matt’s hockey game or went bowling, then went to Friendly’s, then watched SNL at someone’s house. Yeah, we knew how to party!

The late 80s/early 90s were a great time for SNL. There were veteran cast members like Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, Al Franken, Dennis Miller, Kevin Nealon, and Jon Lovitz who were combined with newcomers Mike Meyers, Chris Rock, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, and Rob Schneider. There was Wayne’s World, The Chris Farley Show, The Copy Guy, Stuart Smalley, Opera Man, and awesome Weekend Updates.

There were also Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. This one was one of my favorites.

A few of my others were:

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've

wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went

to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why

several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe

you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,

free dummy.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is

"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to

tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

What I found out while researching for this blog was that Jack Handey is a real guy! You can read more about him here and here. And I found some Deep Thoughts pages here and here. Enjoy!

Calvin and Hobbes from My Door in College

Like my Hockey in Heaven comic, these were both on my college door.

For some reason, I could relate to Calvin.

I thought with more snow coming, I would also include some Calvin and Hobbes winter comics. Enjoy, and be careful if you need to drive in the snow!

Article from BC Paper The Heights (November 7, 1994)

I was a junior in college and heading back to my apartment after class. I was glad when the BC shuttle bus stopped at the intersection right across from my apartment. Even though it wasn’t an official stop, none of us students complained to the driver. The bus was stopped at an intersection, and I assumed the light was red. It wasn’t…

When I stepped out into the street, I saw a truck (like a Ford Bronco) less than ten feet away from me. I only had time enough to think “I’m going to get hit”, and then I got hit. I remember the impact and being on the ground. I don’t remember flying through the air – a guy I knew who was a friend of a friend was across the street and saw it happen (He said I flew about 5 feet in the air about 15-20 yards).

When I was on the ambulance, the EMTs were asking me all the standard questions – what is your name, what day is it, etc. I knew what was going on, but when they asked me “Who is the president?”, for some reason I thought I would have fun with them. I knew it was Clinton, but looked at them and said, “Um, JFK, right?” They looked a little shocked, but I laughed and told them the right answer.

When I got to the hospital I tried calling my family to let them know what happened, but the ER phone only allowed you to make local 617 calls. So, I called my roommate Kevin and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey Kev, it’s Dave.

Kevin: Hey.

Dave: Hey, I got hit by a truck and I’m in the ER.

Kevin: Very funny.

Dave: No, I’m serious.

Kevin: Ha, ha.

And this continued until I said, “I really need you to call my mom and tell her I’m okay…”

When he finally believed me I asked him if he saw all the fire trucks and ambulances outside of our apartment. “Oh, that was you????”, he replied.

I was only in the hospital one night, and my Uncle told me “We know you have 9 lives Dave, but you need to slow down…” I returned to BC with a sling , a prescription to pain medicine, and a story I would be telling for the rest of my life. When I got out of the bus to go to class the next day, my friend of a friend looked at me like he was looking at a ghost. I said hi to him, and he just stood there with his mouth open. I laughed and asked him what was up. He said, “I saw you get hit yesterday…I thought you were dead!” I casually replied, “Nope, just a broken clavicle. I’m fine.” He got on the bus and was still shaking his head in disbelief.

One more interesting thing happened when I got hit. My friend Andy, who was thousands of miles away studying abroad in Australia, felt the impact. He had a feeling something had happened to someone in his family, and called home to make sure everything was okay. Even after his mom had assured him everything was all right and his Australian friends wanted to head out to a bar, Andy decided to stay in because he still had a bad feeling. I sent Andy a letter a couple of weeks later with a crude drawing of me getting hit on the outside of the envelope. I also included the date it happened, and suddenly Andy’s feelings of dread made sense.

Even though this was the only time I was featured in a Heights article, I did receive anonymous ink a few times in the police blotter. And for the record, I was misquoted about “the bus driver being in a tough spot” and “he shouldn’t have stopped there”. But I stand by my quote: “If anyone should be charged with anything, I should be charged with being stupid.” Someone or something was definitely looking out for me, that’s for sure.

Hockey in Heaven (Close to Home Comic, 1993)

This was on my door my sophomore year in college. I hope you enjoy it…

In my version of hockey in heaven, everyone gets their own rink and you can play all day and night without getting tired. Oh, I also get to watch the Bruins win the Cup!

Go B’s!